Sunday, January 24, 2010
new directions
i seem to be going through my life,
at this point of time that is,
in a huge circle.
i seem to be going through almost the same ups and downs each week
sure, some weeks it's better, but others it's just bad.
my creative inspirations seem to have left me.
and i miss them so very much.
i guess , i'm going to have to make an effort to relight those fires.
otherwise, it's just gonna take a heck load more effort in future.
i've had some inspiration from some blogs,
their sayings provoke quite an amount of thinking.
and hey , imitation is the best sort of praise.
so with inspiration from " http://pleasefindthis.blogspot.com/ "
i shall attempt to start something like it.
_________________________________________________________
in ns life,
nothing much has changed.
amazingly manged to break my ET stick during Exercise on Monday.
shows how bad the terrain was for shellscrape digging.
even PC and PS didn't bother to dig.
but for the upcoming MajorEx , gotta do something about it.
Tues and Wed passed by in a blur.
most of us were to shag to remember much.
Wed and Thur COCC Parade Rehearsal went by in a blur.
didn't participate and hence got a arrowed for lots of saikang.
bleah.
Friday
rained the entire morning, which meant a morning of rest.
COCC Parade started at 6pm.
which meant that bookout was rather late.
reached home too tired to do much.
Sat
met up with ht and finally shane after sooooo long
was great to catch up.
met some of the other serve cambo ppl for siew wai's 21st bday
managed to catch the last train home.
Sun
today - spent most of the day resting.
back acting up again ...
on a side note , realized that this year is the 21st bdays of those born in my year ...
while most are planning parties and stuff ...
i think i'm just gonna disappear on my 21st ...
ok ... i can't really disappear ... cause i'll be in camp on the day itself ...
but i'll just pass this year as quietly as possible ...
afterall ... being in ns ... it's not exactly the most joyful thing eh ?
______________________________________________________
been thinking about one singular decision that i made last year ...
like ht said ... it'll be my biggest regret of 2009 ...
and i brushed it off back then ...
but indeed it HAS become my biggest regret ...
i made the wrong decision for the right reason ...
but why doesn't that make me feel any better ?
because i guess , sometimes ,
you gotta do the wrong things for the right reason.
some opportunities only come once in a lifetime.
blink and it's gone.
i blinked. and now she's gone.
aiky wrote in white | 6:48 PM
Sunday, January 17, 2010
words that few will see
it's been a while since i last blogged.
a month to be exact. it's not like anyone really misses reading what i write here anyway.
most peoples blogs have mostly died out cause of the advent of other technology such as Twitter , Facebook and godknows what else.
so i guess not many still see a reason for blogging.
afterall , it takes precious time to type out these words that few will see or even read.
in my circle of friends and family , blogging has more or less died out ...
why than am i here ?
well i guess if not for others,
i'd like to keep little reminders of my thoughts and what i've done
what not use a diary than ?
the thought has occurred to me but i'm still too lazy.
i've gotten a free diary from starbucks.
just a simple book. but these days in camp, there just isn't the right feeling to sit down and pen down one's thoughts. time is best spent unwinding and relaxing one's mind.
much has happened since my last entry.
most of it things that have made me happy.
right after my coy's exercise in dec
was nearly two continuous weeks of leave
during which i spent much time catching up with friends and family
spent the first couple of days in penang with my vschoir friends - zx, johnnie, jeremy and roy.
although it was short and rather rushing ... i still enjoyed it
it felt great to be out of singapore and out of my routine life
was a great chance to practice my rather rusty photography skills.
most of the photos are on facebook so i'll be glad if you would pop there to take a look (:
met up with most of my close friends over the christmas period ...
my first christmas in the army ... didn't really feel very christmasy
still the company was good
met up with cousins amanda , xiang and shuwei for a day of photography and chillin
went to the bukit timah rail way tracks , haji lane and ate at like 4 different places !
really enjoyed myself and got some good shots , which are also on facebook
hehe
spent the days before new year's day catching up with johnnie and ks on two seperate days ?! talked alot. really felt like we didn't have a worry in the world ... but it was just a brief respite from the world.
spent new year's eve at Dian's 21st , was the first time i actively took shots for such an event
it was fun and interesting and i'm rather glad the shots came out ok , was shooing at iso1000 and was worried about the noise ... after the party , rushed down to meet ht , nick , kel , fab , daryl and josh and marina square for the countdown to the new year
new years day was spent meeting my SI buddies to catch up
wanted to catch a movie but timing for that day were really screwed up
ended up just chillin, having dinner than went back home.
spent saturday evening meeting up with some of my serve cambo 07 teamates
kudos to Joel and Vanessa for organizing
must say it's been damn long since i met them
for some since school ended and for others even longer than that ...
great to catch up with them once again and hopefully , future gatherings will have more of us !
pictures for this event i just uploaded on fb yesterday
spent sunday morning meeting perlyn , liana and ht.
got quite a surprise when the first thing i heard when i met them was that liana was getting married !
turns out she's just getting engaged soon, but grats to her and Ez !
first working week of the new year was mostly range.
failed my atp as it was the first time i was even firing the m16 ... bleah ...
gonna have to go for a reshoot sometime ...
my ipod and laptop have both decided to start dying on me ... hopefully they last for another few months ... i have however gotten a new ipod ; an iPod touch and i love it !!
playing with it for just a short while , has already cemented thoughts of getting an iPhone when i ORD in my head ... speaking of which ... ORD seems nearer with each passing day ...
at least after the new year ... i can say that i ord NEXT year instead of next next year ... hehe ...
ahh well , going to the jungles of lim chu kang again , tmr =/
this time tmr , i'll be digging one of them shell scrapes ... bleah ...
till the next time i decide to write something again ...
i'm off ~
aiky wrote in white | 6:03 PM
Sunday, December 13, 2009
nothing is certain ; ever
one moment you think you've made up your mind
you've decided that you want to do things this way
the next moment , you're forced to do otherwise
but you do so ; unwillingly of course
next thing you know ,
you find out that it's not all that bad
and slowly you come around ,
and you decide to put in your all
and just as things are looking up
you know it's too good to be true ; when you have no worries at all
sure enough a problem arises ; and they don't come easy
nor do they come alone but in groups and from different angles
in two weeks , my head's done a 180
and my thoughts are thrown to the four winds again
i've decided , what the hell , might as well chiong with all my heart
afterall it's not like my position is as tough the the pioneers
and there's nothing to lose in getting fitter
but just as i decided to do so , here comes the problem
my back decides to act up ; and it's not a one off thing
i had reported sick a couple of weeks back
and the MO said lets treat it as a muscle strain
fast forward to last week around Wednesday
and the pain in my lower-back suddenly comes back
tolerated the pain and went through 2 days of outfield
spent the weekend at home resting up , and it didn't get better
reported sick on monday when i got back to camp
ended up with a Specialist Appointment , and a month's excuse rmj and heavy load
spent the rest of the week not doing much
and most of this weekend resting
and as of now ... it still hurts ...
no idea how i'm going to survive the upcoming 5d4n outfield ...
not to mention ; i've still got to worry about my tasks as a signaller
the pioneers have the commanders to do most of their planning and stuff
so the odds of something screwing up are much lower
and the responsibility is not entirely on the pioneers .
i'm but a mere private ...
yet as of now i have to worry about comm's for the whole company ...
worrying about all the equipment and their workability
having to worry about their accountability and maintenance
things that a signal spec are supposed to do ; not a signal operator
i'm not trained or paid well enough to do so much ; yet i must do so
hope our signal spec comes over soon ...
written so much ... and it's all army stuff ...
bleah ... that's my life now i guess ...
haven't got the energy to worry and think of other things ...
perhaps , i'm just suppressing my thoughts ?
some friends told me recently
that a couple of weeks back , when i last met that
it seemed like i was troubled over emotional issues ...
they didn't tell me than of course ...
the reason i'm mentioning this is cause , i just wanna ask ,
am i that transparent in my expression of self ?
i've not told these group of friends much recently
not that i wouldn't tell them , but there's just nothing much to say
and we just don't meet that often like we used to ...
worst yet ...
a friend from long ago ; whom i've spoken almost nothing to in the last couple of years
just read my mind just from what i write here and there online
am i that predictable ? am i that transparent ?
the irony is what he commented hit home
what i'm doing , what i did , and what i write or say
doesn't really matter a damn.
there's really not much i can do to win the heart of this girl at this point in time
distance is too much of an issue , and ns doesn't exactly help with communication
being stuck in camp almost 5 days a week and not being connected to the world really killed off my communications with her ... used to be that i'd talk to her on msn almost daily pre-ns
i myself don't really know what she thinks of me ; previously at least
and i've probably been living in my own dreams ; literally
come to think of it ... given the circumstances ...
some of the things i wanted to do (which thank god i never got around too)
would be rather weird/awkward / creepy?
given our relations now which would be somewhere around ... maybe friends
half a year ago ,
which is about the time i enlisted , i'd say with confidence it was friends ; perhaps a lil more
but now i just have to let go slowly ...
hopefully , i retain a "he was a nice guy" status
gonna have dinner soon , and thereafter bookin to camp
the bright side is , after the next couple of days , some long due breaks are coming up !
only going to be in camp for 2x half days from next Saturday !
so i'm gonna give all my secrets away ~
aiky wrote in white | 6:00 PM
Sunday, November 29, 2009
the world is a sad sad place
and i'm just another one of it's sad sad inhabitants
i don't know how long this will last ...
perhaps till i find myself at peace with myself again ...
or perhaps when i've a much clearer picture of the world
which i thought i knew , but has apparently decided to reshape itself again ...
i admit , it's my own fault , for being too into my own comfort zone ...
for thinking that everything will be alright , and everything will always stay the same
that it happens to others and never to me ...
well , some things do happen to others and not to me , the things that i really want ...
others , my worst nightmares , have barely just begun ...
never imagined i would get so stressed and upset over ns ...
but truth is , i've never felt so helpless , so useless and so alone before ...
the irony would be that prior to ns , i thought it would be a great experience
to get out of my comfort zone , to tough it out ...
call me a weakling ... but i'm ready to call it quits ...
this life is too tough for me ...
i've never been this mentally , physically and emotionally burnt out that before now ...
i've seen some of the best sides of people and some of the worst ...
and the wonder is that you can see both sides within split seconds of each other ...
i've seen that in the interests of self , people are ready to abandon you in a split second ...
i've also seen that there are those who are ready to help you , who help without a second thought ... and for the latter , i'm very grateful
it's all in the mind , but right now , my mind is about to really explode into a million pieces ...
i want my old life back ...
but just saying that is not gonna change anything ...
and it's not like i can really do anything about it ...
i can but do nothing and just wait as the days go by ...
i've suddenly lost my purpose in life
i've lost the smiling cheerful me
and i want it back.
someone help me find myself again.
if this post is incoherent , it's cause i can't even think straight anymore these days ...
aiky wrote in white | 5:48 PM
Sunday, November 15, 2009
quiet times
it's been a while since i last wrote anything ...
much much longer since i wrote anything much of my thoughts and experiences ...
ht mentioned something about the fact that he can't seem to pen his thoughts these days ...
i realized that most of us now in NS ... are the same ... and i'm starting to realize why my friends who were in NS seemed to rarely update their blogs ...
at the end of the week , you're much too tired ... and everything you do ...
is either mundane , classified (~_~) or just so ARMY that only guys who are in the army now would even be able to picture it or get the joke ...
realized that more and more ... the only topics i can think of when i'm hanging out are army , bitching about army , a little about cameras (but no one's really interested) , reminiscing back about times gone by or just lamenting about my almost dead social life.
most weekends , all i remember is just sleeping.
and eating. and trying to do something.
but rarely do i get anything completed.
it's as if a part of me, has died and the rest of the body just can't really function without it.
the thing is , what has changed ?
can anybody tell me ?
i personally feel that i've been smiling a whole lot lesser ,
been feeling less cheerful than i'd normally be ...
is this culture shock from being in my unit ?
i feel so useless. like as if my time and youth is being wasted away for no purpose.
and when i get home on the weekends , i'm just too tired.
i don't even think i'm making sense any more .
i need a timeout . EOY , i finally get my leave.
aiky wrote in white | 5:27 PM
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
a new chapter
the time now is 4.07am.
by 7.45am , i gotta be at Jurong Camp.
reporting to my unit, where i'll be, until the end of my national service.
mixed feelings about my decision to break away from the platoon.
on one hand, i know i'll miss the friends i made in the short 6 weeks at SI.
07/09 IC2 will forever be in my memories , the good , the bad and the ugly.
i won't miss the chaokengs , the retards and the plain morons though.
i just pray for the rest of my platoon mates that they aren't stuck with them for the rest of their national service . let these fuckers go to the various coy lines and the rest of the platoon remain in HQ.
to me, life outside of army has come to an almost standstill.
i guess.
most times i come home and just sleep the weekend away.
i've never felt so drained before.
i've gotta be the only crazy person who's stressed over NS.
i think about every thing that's gonna happen , worried about what's gonna happen next.
all i want is to pass my 2 years in service peacefully.
i don't want trouble , but trouble keeps finding me.
i don't mind doing my part . but when others throw their work over . it's when i get really dissed.
it's life they say . part and parcel . yeah . i totally understand that . but , bloody hell . after a long day outfield , i'm sure everybody is also tired .
some really excel in the art of bochup.
they can take Att C and Att B to avoid guard duty entirely.
as a result , two of my poor platoon mates had to do guard duty 3 times .
majority did 1x 24hour weekend duty.
but these two poor guys did 2x 12hour duties and 1x 24hour duties.
of the entire platoon , i can say that a safe majority truly deserve to earn the right to be called trained Signallers . the rest . i hope to never hear about again .
outside army , the world continues to revolve.
without much of a regard to those within.
so many things happen.
but we are ignorant.
if only you could keep your feelings that way.
shall find time to write some other time.
aiky wrote in white | 4:07 AM
Saturday, October 17, 2009
home , again . only to leave , again .
home , once again .
somehow , time spent in camp seems to go by so slowly ,
and time spent at home seems to go by so quickly ...
well it's actually been a rather fast week,
most of the week was spent preparing for line-ex
line-ex itself
line-ex recovery
and the rest of the the week went by in a blur .
but this weekend will be a short one.
a very very short one.
for tonight , i'll be booking back to camp at 2230 ,
and tmr i'll be doing my first guard duty ever .
something i've managed to avoid for like since enlistment .
for 24 hours i'll be on SUNDAY guard duty .
one of the most hated days to be on duty .
but as others have done before ,
and others will do after ,
now it's my turn.
it's the start of many many duties in my NSF life .
hopefully , all goes well.
2 more weeks and we'll be through
aiky wrote in white | 12:22 AM
