Sunday, December 13, 2009
nothing is certain ; ever
one moment you think you've made up your mind
you've decided that you want to do things this way
the next moment , you're forced to do otherwise
but you do so ; unwillingly of course
next thing you know ,
you find out that it's not all that bad
and slowly you come around ,
and you decide to put in your all
and just as things are looking up
you know it's too good to be true ; when you have no worries at all
sure enough a problem arises ; and they don't come easy
nor do they come alone but in groups and from different angles
in two weeks , my head's done a 180
and my thoughts are thrown to the four winds again
i've decided , what the hell , might as well chiong with all my heart
afterall it's not like my position is as tough the the pioneers
and there's nothing to lose in getting fitter
but just as i decided to do so , here comes the problem
my back decides to act up ; and it's not a one off thing
i had reported sick a couple of weeks back
and the MO said lets treat it as a muscle strain
fast forward to last week around Wednesday
and the pain in my lower-back suddenly comes back
tolerated the pain and went through 2 days of outfield
spent the weekend at home resting up , and it didn't get better
reported sick on monday when i got back to camp
ended up with a Specialist Appointment , and a month's excuse rmj and heavy load
spent the rest of the week not doing much
and most of this weekend resting
and as of now ... it still hurts ...
no idea how i'm going to survive the upcoming 5d4n outfield ...
not to mention ; i've still got to worry about my tasks as a signaller
the pioneers have the commanders to do most of their planning and stuff
so the odds of something screwing up are much lower
and the responsibility is not entirely on the pioneers .
i'm but a mere private ...
yet as of now i have to worry about comm's for the whole company ...
worrying about all the equipment and their workability
having to worry about their accountability and maintenance
things that a signal spec are supposed to do ; not a signal operator
i'm not trained or paid well enough to do so much ; yet i must do so
hope our signal spec comes over soon ...
written so much ... and it's all army stuff ...
bleah ... that's my life now i guess ...
haven't got the energy to worry and think of other things ...
perhaps , i'm just suppressing my thoughts ?
some friends told me recently
that a couple of weeks back , when i last met that
it seemed like i was troubled over emotional issues ...
they didn't tell me than of course ...
the reason i'm mentioning this is cause , i just wanna ask ,
am i that transparent in my expression of self ?
i've not told these group of friends much recently
not that i wouldn't tell them , but there's just nothing much to say
and we just don't meet that often like we used to ...
worst yet ...
a friend from long ago ; whom i've spoken almost nothing to in the last couple of years
just read my mind just from what i write here and there online
am i that predictable ? am i that transparent ?
the irony is what he commented hit home
what i'm doing , what i did , and what i write or say
doesn't really matter a damn.
there's really not much i can do to win the heart of this girl at this point in time
distance is too much of an issue , and ns doesn't exactly help with communication
being stuck in camp almost 5 days a week and not being connected to the world really killed off my communications with her ... used to be that i'd talk to her on msn almost daily pre-ns
i myself don't really know what she thinks of me ; previously at least
and i've probably been living in my own dreams ; literally
come to think of it ... given the circumstances ...
some of the things i wanted to do (which thank god i never got around too)
would be rather weird/awkward / creepy?
given our relations now which would be somewhere around ... maybe friends
half a year ago ,
which is about the time i enlisted , i'd say with confidence it was friends ; perhaps a lil more
but now i just have to let go slowly ...
hopefully , i retain a "he was a nice guy" status
gonna have dinner soon , and thereafter bookin to camp
the bright side is , after the next couple of days , some long due breaks are coming up !
only going to be in camp for 2x half days from next Saturday !
so i'm gonna give all my secrets away ~
aiky wrote in white | 6:00 PM
