Sunday, November 29, 2009
the world is a sad sad place
and i'm just another one of it's sad sad inhabitants
i don't know how long this will last ...
perhaps till i find myself at peace with myself again ...
or perhaps when i've a much clearer picture of the world
which i thought i knew , but has apparently decided to reshape itself again ...
i admit , it's my own fault , for being too into my own comfort zone ...
for thinking that everything will be alright , and everything will always stay the same
that it happens to others and never to me ...
well , some things do happen to others and not to me , the things that i really want ...
others , my worst nightmares , have barely just begun ...
never imagined i would get so stressed and upset over ns ...
but truth is , i've never felt so helpless , so useless and so alone before ...
the irony would be that prior to ns , i thought it would be a great experience
to get out of my comfort zone , to tough it out ...
call me a weakling ... but i'm ready to call it quits ...
this life is too tough for me ...
i've never been this mentally , physically and emotionally burnt out that before now ...
i've seen some of the best sides of people and some of the worst ...
and the wonder is that you can see both sides within split seconds of each other ...
i've seen that in the interests of self , people are ready to abandon you in a split second ...
i've also seen that there are those who are ready to help you , who help without a second thought ... and for the latter , i'm very grateful
it's all in the mind , but right now , my mind is about to really explode into a million pieces ...
i want my old life back ...
but just saying that is not gonna change anything ...
and it's not like i can really do anything about it ...
i can but do nothing and just wait as the days go by ...
i've suddenly lost my purpose in life
i've lost the smiling cheerful me
and i want it back.
someone help me find myself again.
if this post is incoherent , it's cause i can't even think straight anymore these days ...
aiky wrote in white | 5:48 PM
Sunday, November 15, 2009
quiet times
it's been a while since i last wrote anything ...
much much longer since i wrote anything much of my thoughts and experiences ...
ht mentioned something about the fact that he can't seem to pen his thoughts these days ...
i realized that most of us now in NS ... are the same ... and i'm starting to realize why my friends who were in NS seemed to rarely update their blogs ...
at the end of the week , you're much too tired ... and everything you do ...
is either mundane , classified (~_~) or just so ARMY that only guys who are in the army now would even be able to picture it or get the joke ...
realized that more and more ... the only topics i can think of when i'm hanging out are army , bitching about army , a little about cameras (but no one's really interested) , reminiscing back about times gone by or just lamenting about my almost dead social life.
most weekends , all i remember is just sleeping.
and eating. and trying to do something.
but rarely do i get anything completed.
it's as if a part of me, has died and the rest of the body just can't really function without it.
the thing is , what has changed ?
can anybody tell me ?
i personally feel that i've been smiling a whole lot lesser ,
been feeling less cheerful than i'd normally be ...
is this culture shock from being in my unit ?
i feel so useless. like as if my time and youth is being wasted away for no purpose.
and when i get home on the weekends , i'm just too tired.
i don't even think i'm making sense any more .
i need a timeout . EOY , i finally get my leave.
aiky wrote in white | 5:27 PM
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
a new chapter
the time now is 4.07am.
by 7.45am , i gotta be at Jurong Camp.
reporting to my unit, where i'll be, until the end of my national service.
mixed feelings about my decision to break away from the platoon.
on one hand, i know i'll miss the friends i made in the short 6 weeks at SI.
07/09 IC2 will forever be in my memories , the good , the bad and the ugly.
i won't miss the chaokengs , the retards and the plain morons though.
i just pray for the rest of my platoon mates that they aren't stuck with them for the rest of their national service . let these fuckers go to the various coy lines and the rest of the platoon remain in HQ.
to me, life outside of army has come to an almost standstill.
i guess.
most times i come home and just sleep the weekend away.
i've never felt so drained before.
i've gotta be the only crazy person who's stressed over NS.
i think about every thing that's gonna happen , worried about what's gonna happen next.
all i want is to pass my 2 years in service peacefully.
i don't want trouble , but trouble keeps finding me.
i don't mind doing my part . but when others throw their work over . it's when i get really dissed.
it's life they say . part and parcel . yeah . i totally understand that . but , bloody hell . after a long day outfield , i'm sure everybody is also tired .
some really excel in the art of bochup.
they can take Att C and Att B to avoid guard duty entirely.
as a result , two of my poor platoon mates had to do guard duty 3 times .
majority did 1x 24hour weekend duty.
but these two poor guys did 2x 12hour duties and 1x 24hour duties.
of the entire platoon , i can say that a safe majority truly deserve to earn the right to be called trained Signallers . the rest . i hope to never hear about again .
outside army , the world continues to revolve.
without much of a regard to those within.
so many things happen.
but we are ignorant.
if only you could keep your feelings that way.
shall find time to write some other time.
aiky wrote in white | 4:07 AM
